||[May. 19th, 2015|08:00 pm]
in luv with oblivion
My previous, private and drunk LJ vent was exactly 30 days ago. Having freed myself from the shackles of feelings caused by newly acquired strangers. I am confused as to whether I even read my own advice, if I had given myself the right timing as to how everything went down and if I've swam too deep. |
Is it all my fault? If it wasn't, it sure now is. I pressed myself to believe it was. It all feels like it is now.
I'm too many beans in a slow cooker. Absorbing every inch of moisture remaining. I'm overflowed. I'm growing bigger and bigger. Softer and softer. I'm stuck against the glass and it's not thinning.
Of course all of this stress is caused by my job and the juggling act of being in charge of a household of 3.
By this time I wish I could have been recognized with an award, but truth is I'm no Mother Theresa. It still feels like I could have done more before being canonized.
This Spain conference turned out to be everything I didn't want it to be. Even my boss' wish came true at the mention of this flopping. Sadly she had to be dragged into this too.
Truth is -- this entire event has overworked me. I've stayed up past working hours to respond to vendors at 2AM, I've translated and communicated contracts from Spanish to English and vice-versa. And somehow it feels like it has all been rendered null by pressing 'send' in an e-mail.
Mind you, this wasn't even in my work description and I wish I could put International Affairs and Contracting Services on my resume. I probably won't be able to after this.
I guess my biggest fear is having all my effort and time spent since considered invalid. To get the pink slip teachers received in the middle of a semester during the LAUSD cut backs. God, please give me the strength to stand my ground.
To push the fact that I needed more than a week to process any contract. To salvage any part of me buried between the papers that I was piled under at the last minute and in the last months.
Give me the time to put things back into place. To file everything in the proper folder. Find the right account. Confirm the status of your request. To delete this side of my job from my personal life.
Flash. Flash. Flash. Flash. Flash.